Sometimes you just need to give yourself a break.

What has been up with me you ask? The whole eating clean thing has been hard, and not because I don’t want to do it  - because I seriously have become that person that loves eating clean and when I see food on my plate I can see how it is going to improve my mood, and get me closer to my goals. I am struggling because in one month alone I have had, 2 weddings, 2 wedding showers, 1 bachelorette and a whole lot of post wedding brunches. The list goes on with a sinus infection, laryngitis AND the stomach flu. I kept thinking…seriously? Is this happening right now. So for a large portion of the time I was not working out and then… Can I say buffets? Late night stations? Every single food possible? Let me tell you something about myself which I might not have told you before…I LOVE FOOD. LOVE FOOD. My friends always say the best way to cheer me up is by making me food. I am an emotional eater to the extreme, an “im tired” eater, “let’s celebrate” eater. Every eater in between, that is me. So when someone shows me a buffer with all of my favourites, I go crazy. I have learned this month that I must teach myself portion control.
This month has been FUN. I love my friends, I love my family but I sort of want to be selfish and say…WOAH now this is about me. I want to be that girl with a motivational story. The girl with the before and after pics. I took some pics from the beginning of February and compared to the beginning of March and I myself saw some minimal change, but nothing that made me pat myself on the back. I have to remember it takes time, dedication and process - it also means not beating myself up for it. I have 51 more sleeps until my trip to the Dominican and I am going to do my very best, very very best to stay dedicated to the program. I am doing Cassey Ho’s #newbodymakeover and am on week 5, I am going to stay dedicated to her workouts, but if something comes up, something comes up. I find when I start a new fitness routine I can become isolated because I am so focused on always eating right and always working out that I tend to lose my nights out with the girls. I need to learn how to balance. This is life and I want to live it, in every possible way.  I have much more to say, but I think this is enough for now. Remember you can change your story, write it however you want to see it unfold. One day at a time, and do it for those little comments like I got this morning from my mother half asleep..you look slimmer, not so much of a tummy

Finally figured out my next chapter.

So, the story begins three months ago when I broke my foot. Wah wah, life sucks. I know. It wasn’t the end of the world, and a lot of people are a lot worse off. But i did, I broke my foot just by tripping, and I was so upset because I had finally reached my goal of running a 5km all the way through without breaks (with my amazing sister). I had been given brand new running shoes to encourage me in my love of running (which I still haven’t worn) and in my head I thought,  “I am finally getting my life together!” Then everything stopped and I wasn’t allowed to do anything! ANYTHING! Couldn’t even get up to make my own cup of tea. It was super depressing. The first ER doctor first told me “Just a couple of weeks”. That’s doable i thought. He was extremely gorgeous, but extremely wrong. Every appointment after that with the foot specialist let me know that my silly fall had put me in a cast for the long hall. Nope, I wasn’t allowed to ask about running, working out or anything. Rest up he said, and increase your calorie intake. Increase my calorie intake?! Are you serious? I am already sitting on my butt almost a whole day and my favourite jeans don’t fit, so are you serious? He was serious. Sit on my butt if I want it to heal.
Two months go by and it’s Christmas. I don’t like admitting this about myself, but i was not the person that got hurt and was still all smiles and positive (i have always wanted to be one of those people). I was moody, depressed, self-conscience, did i say depressed? I had gone from being extremely independent to being the most dependent person in the world. Need food in my apartment? Well somebody better be able to drive me and shop and bring it home? Need to get to work? Sombody needs to drive me. Need to…you get it? It was mind blowing how much I had taken it all for granted. My boyfriend tried to make me feel loved and beautiful, but it just wasn’t happening. Something had to change. I had to stop having “pity burgers and fries” and “might as well have cake” snacks. I wanted to fit in my jeans and look glamorous, or at least know that under my shirt my jeans were actually done up and not held together by a hair tie to donate some extra stretch. So that’s how i got here. To this blog. As of January 1st i decided im going to spend some time on me. I asked my doctor about Pilates and he said go for it, but be careful. Pilates is all about the core and not so much about putting pressure on the feet. So this is my journey. I am going to log my successes and my failures and anything else I find along the way. I know there are a million blogs about this out there, but this is my story and maybe you can relate!

And just like that, it's over.

We are on our final week here in Rwanda. The team is all back together in Gisenyi where we are trying to appreciate the lake inbetween the massive rain storms that we are getting.

Our last week in Butare was amazing, we met up with widows and continued working with the orphans in the workshop. Our eyes burnt from doing so many bracelets with tiny beads, but it all worked out in the end. On the last day with them we sang songs, did some African dancing and gave them some gifts that we had made for them. It was an exciting day, but also sad. We were sad to leave Monique, they really were the best 2 weeks of this whole outreach. We laughed constantly and definitely became a very strong team. We decided to take Monique out for dinner to thank her for taking care of us and giving us such a warm welcome. We ate a delicious burger and fries, but our favourite part was giving her, her gift and card because she genuinely didn't expect anything, and compared to what she had given us, it was nothing. Sweet little Monique teared up and gave us each a huge hug, I was lucky enough to have mine captured on camera by Tabea so I will gladly show you one of the bravest women I now know. The next morning we woke up early to make Monique some French toast, or Pain Perdu as the French call it, and we then headed to the bus stop. It was our first tearful goodbye, but Monique told us she is coming to the airport to see us off which is so sweet! We then buckled in for our 2 and half hour trip to Kigali to meet up with the other team.

When we saw the other team it was weird to be honest, two weeks of separation and we had so much to talk about - it gave us just a mere glimpse of what it will be like to come home after 6 months! Anna-Lisa was rushed off to the hosptial for the second time in a week, while the rest of the team continued with our plans to go to Gisenyi. We gave Anna-Lisa our love and prayed that she would be okay. Poor girl has had extremely bad stomach pains, and looked awful. Once we arrived in Gisenyi (3 and half hours later) we were all tired from traveling but found out that Anna-Lisa was okay and they would be taking the later bus.
Being back in Gisenyi is good, however I did not miss the beds! We have all been busy telling stories about our different teams, and for Mikael's birthday we went out for dinner. I got to ride a moto-taxi (motorcycle) there! It was so exciting! I was really nervous before, first of all you can't even really be sure that the driver knows where you want to go bc they just go "uhh" in response to everything, second, ive seen how they drive and it is not comforting, and third it was pitch black outside on crazy dirt mountains. BUT with all that said I survived and am so glad that I decided to be spontaneous and just jump on one (others walked to the restaurant) I had wanted to do it since we arrived and now I have -  go mee!!

I don't even know what to say at this point - other than that I can't believe this trip is over! It has gotten better and better as the weeks have passed. I am excited to go home, but also sad to leave these people that I have lived with for six months. We have had some great times, and its weird because you won't know when you will see them again.

You will be happy to know that bed bugs are going away, but as some leave others pop up - but all is well. We now all have been attacked and laugh as we sit like children scratching ourselves everywhere. Our shower has worms all over the floor so you hear squeals everytime someone attempts to be clean, and the power quite frequently goes off so we shower by flashlight not knowing where the worms have gone to. It sounds awful, but at the same time I really wouldn't trade it.

Im sure that i have missed out on so much - but it's really hard to condense it. We fly to Brussels on Friday, with the other YWAM team from Switzerland, so that will be fun and then fly into Paris Saturday morning :)

<3 can't wait! 4 more sleeps until France!!!!! 16 sleeps until home! ah!

Butare.

Hello everyone!

Sorry that it has been so long. I am also sorry if this blog is short, but we don't know when the internet will cut out, and the power has been going off every five minutes. I can say we are definitely in rainy season now - we are all losing our tans and making sure our ponchos are always on hand! Rainy season, means monsoon season. If it rains, it pours!

Our second week in Gisenyi was good, we made trips to the hospitals (it was very moving this last time) we worked with the church, we went to the lake and local basketball courts just to simply talk to the locals of the town and over the days we built up relationships. We also worked in a doll shop, somedays we didn't have a translator so we jusst sat and smiled at the women (it sounds like nothing - but smiles have started to communicate a lot here!) but the days we had testimonies we answered their questions about our lives and asked them about theirs. It was great - and we are going back to them after our weeks here in Buatre.

While in Butare I also experienced that bed bugs are very very real!  I woke up one morning to over 50 bites all over our body! It was/still is awful! I feel like I have chicken pox, they are soo itchy and they itch for days and days and days! So bad! I really hope they don't scar, I have them on my face, arms, legs, stomach, back - you name it and it's there! Whitney has been great, lathering me in cream before I go to bed - basically  all over my body. I also feel like a child as people yell "Lauren!" in the middle of their conversation with someone else because they see me out of the corner of their eye scratching like mad. They said the next step is a straight jacket. Just hoping they don't scar, especially those on the face!

We met a woman named Joy who told us her account of the genocide. She went into a lot of detail which was difficult, but necessary for us to understand. As she told her story, we saw her mutilated hand fly back and forth as she loved talking with her hands, soldiers had cut off her finger when she refused to tell where people she was hiding were. I have the written account which I am bringing home, and it would take a few hours to even tell you everything - but she is one of the bravest women I have ever met, and she still has a joy inside of her. She has been raped, beaten, hurt, her family killed infront of her, and when you meet her you would say that she has the brightest smile in the world.

So we have been in Butare for a week. We are working with the sweetest old woman ever - she is 81 years old and full of life. She is hilarious! She reminds of a mixture between Betty White and my own grandma - I am going to be so sad to leave her. She is a widow, when her husband died she decided to leave everything she has and move to Rwanda to help the orphans and widows here. She has opened a workshop - an amazing workshop, which is where we have been working. In this workshop work orphans and widows who are paid for everything they make. Whether it be dolls, jewelery, bags, uniforms, wooden sculptures or even working in the fields. Right now they don't have any orders so she is struggling to provide them with income, but we have been helping fill up their stock with jewelery. I have a new found respect for beaded bracelets! When i show you when i come you - you'll say thats nothing, because really it is. It is sad how many hours it took us to make one tiny bracelet. It is so intricate, and our eyes would be burning after an hour. They laugh us a lot as we poke our fingers with needles every five seconds, and hand the tangled mess of string and beeds over to them to fix. Literally one girl just laughed at me for an hour because everything she moved her attention to something else for the smallest amount of time I would make a mistake. You need to remember we are learning how to make these bracelets and things from their little little little knowledge of English and our little knowledge of Kinya-Rwanda. We laugh, they laugh, we sigh, they sigh - it all works out.

This coming week will be spent with Monique continuing to work in her workshop, we will be teaching both French and English classes and I think I heard something about making bird cages.
Then on Friday we are going back to Gisenyi for the long 6 hour bus trip through the winding hills. We will do our debrief there by the lak, then next Friday we head back to Kigali to get on the plane to fly to France! It will be another long trip with a stop in Brussels but soon we will be able to have hot showers! Yay!

<3 i love you all, and you have no idea how excited I am to see all of your wonderful faces

Gisenyi.

We have started our second week here in Gisenyi, Rwanda which is more north in Rwanda, and how they like to say "the cold region". To be honest, I am sitting here in a long sleeve shirt and shorts, so yes it is somewhater "cooler" as before I would be in a tank top and shorts and in the shade still dying of the heat!

So this week in Gisenyi has been awesome, I would say my second favourite here in Rwanda so far, my favourite was working with the preschool and being Teacher Lola. Gisenyi is situated right on the lake, and when I saw right on the lake its awesome because we walk out of where we are staying down the road for five minutes and then we get to jump into cool, clean water! That is however not why I am here so  I will tell you what we have been up to.

We are working with a contact named Patrick, who we met in Kigali, but he actually lives here. He works with two churches, "The Joy of the Lord Ministries" and "Restoration Church" we have been visiting hospitals, helping the people on the street and I got to sing in a black gospel choir...OH SO FUN!

The hospitals, are always a hard visit, but at the same time they are always the ones that make you feel that you have made a difference. We walk into this hospital and it was a lot cleaner than the one we visited in Kigali, it didn't make my stomach churn. We were separated into groups and then each group was handed bananas and lots of milk to hand around. We all went into different wards - im not sure which ward we were taken to because we didn't have the luck of having a translator. It made things harder, not only because we couldn't understand them, but we couldn't sit down and talk to them or find our what they were suffering from. We used the little Rwanda that we know to try and bring a smile to their faces, "Moraho!" (hello!) "Amakuru?" (how are you?) and they would reply "Me nesa" (im fine) and then our conversation ended. One sight that I still have not been able to forget was seeting an elderly man, in the corner of a hospital room look as though we had been swallowed by his mattress. He was so thin and frail, they told us not to give him bananas or milk. It was as thought he had been pushed aside, and they were ready for him to die so that they could have another bed. This unfortunately is usually the case, the more beds they have the better. I sat down beside him and just held his hand, I didn't really know what else I could do. As we got rushed along to the next room a little naked baby, no joke, ran into my arms full on sprint (or however fast a baby can run!) and i picked him up and we had a little cuddle before some doctor yelled at him and i assume told him to go back to his room. Some patients were not allowed to leave the hospital until they paid their hospital fee, but the problem was that some of them had no money so they had to stay even though they were healthy and their bills went higher and higher. A few of us paid for patients like these, or paid for the patients that couldn't afford their medicine. The final ward we went to was my favourite, the baby ward. It was very hard, you see all of these babies in beds with tubes stuck all over them, their mothers watching them helplessly. One baby I saw didn't have anyone around him nd he had a terrible terrible couch, you could hear it rattling in his chest. No one seemed to notice him crying and wincing every time he breathed in and out. I went over to him and just rubbed his tummy, and even though it wasnt much - i think it was my favourite moment. He eyes slowly rolled back as I sang a nursery rhyme and he fell asleep. I then met a woman Justine, and her baby - i don't know his name, it was very complicated. He looked as though he was malnourished, very very time arms and big bloated belly, but he had these huge eyes that were so interactive. I sat with this little boy on my lap for maybe a couple of hours and by the end i had him laughing so hard, which had his mum laughing, she told me thank you. You don't realize that sometimes all they want is for people to take time with them, and even though there is a language barrier your eyes and your smile and communicate so much.

Ahh i have only have 15 minutes left and ive hardly told you guys anything!
What else hmm.....

Oh yeah the choir was soo fun!! Okay so we went to a choir practice, just for fun. Singing and dancing is very important here, and its very important to the Rwandans that we learn parts of their cultre - which we love doing because it makes us laugh all the time, all of thier crazy dances. So we go and they ask us to practice singing with them, so we learn some songs in Rwandan and then we sing some songs in English, but when i say sing i mean like black gospel choir singing, not our lame white people singing haha, and its black gospel choir with a twist of Rwanda in it. So we are singing an English song and the choir leader out of everyone hands me the microphone - i was like Oh really mee!! So yeah I got to lead a couple of songs AND THEN the next day they had a show i guess you would call it - where all these choirs came from all over Rwanda to sing and dance, so we watch them singing and dancing, they make us do our little white people dances and stuff which seem so lame and boring compared to theirs and then they call the choir up that we practiced with the day before and the guy hands me the microphone again. I know it seems like nothing, but it was so exciting for me! I loved it!!!

I cant believe i forgot to say - we climbed a mountain!! Mount Rubavo! It was exhausting and hot and sweaty but we did it, and it was so cool once we got to the top. Some of us girls had to stop because we felt faint from the change in oxygen levels but we all arrived safely. Raphaelle and I kept yelling "danger danger" because with my history of falling here in Rwanda they all worry about me, especially coming back down a very steep mountain.

Anyways I have to sign out,
We are in Gisenyi until Thursday and then we head to Bhutari, well half of us. Something I also forgto to update you on. Half of us are going to Bhukara and the other half to Bhutari - but ill explain later!

Lauren :)

Teacher LOLA!

This is our last day in Kigali until we depart for home in five weeks! Tomorrow we head to Gisenyi, which is apparently beautiful and by a lake! We can't wait! We don't know if we are going to stay in Gisenyi for 1 or 2 weeks, it depends on the work that we find there. The bus ride is three hours, and it's going to be hilarious to see all of us try and fit with our huge backpacks and all of the other things we have seemed to accumulate as the weeks pass on.

This week was amazing! Amazing, amazing, amazing! Definitely my favourite so far and I am sad to see it end. This week we changed locations to La League, where the rooms are let's say not the ritz, but the location is beautiful! When you walk out of your dark room, you see hills, flowers and beautiful greenery. We eat our breakfast on the grass and stay up late talking and playing the guitar. We are very close to Ingrid's so have had a few more bonfires to keep us occupied! We have not seen what we looked like in over a week due to not having a mirror anywhere except for the odd reflection in the glass - we are kind of happy to not know the sweaty messes we are in. We appreciate cold showers after the long days and always fall alseep as soon as our heads hit the pillow!

This week we worked with YWAM Rwanda - I was very surprised when I saw their base because I had thought it would be just a tiny little organization - but they are doing great things! They have a daycare, primary school and secondary school. They run a ministry called Mercy Ministries where they work with HIV/AIDS people and so much more! It was really cool because they actually had three other YWAM teams there, from Switzerland, England, and...the other one slips my mind so we had the opportunity to meet a lot more people and have some good conversations in our free time. We had to wake up at 5am, in order to get to the YWAM base for 8 a.m., so they were long days but Whitters and I were happy when we had the opportunity to work in the daycare and the primary school - finally!! 5am wake up was definitely worth it! We were separated into different classes, i had "top class" which was the class at the top of the stairs. They are learning to speak English and I had to help with their alphabet, numbers and sounds of letters. It was tiring as every child wants your hand and attention but so rewarding, by the end of the week I even saw an improvement and even knew almost all of their names - go mee!! They called me Teacher Lola, because they somehow got that from Lauren and enjoyed all of the songs that I taught them. During this week I fell in love with a little boy named Joshua, it's funny how there can be a playground full of children but one always seems to pull on your heart strings. He was a trouble maker in class, but at the same one of the most intelligent, he was a brave boy until he fell and burst into tears with a bloody knee - I showed him mine and that we were the same, everyone falls - he seemed to like that. After bandaging him up we were inseparable - unfortunately this got him in trouble with Teacher Robert. The children only had school until lunch time, but it was a full course load until then, with a snack time (yumm!!) After lunch Whitney and I headed back to help the teachers prepare their lesson plans and they also asked us a lot of questions about the school systems in Canada and how they discipline their children etc. Here in Rwanda all children are beat with a stick as discipline, and this school is trying to change the parents mind set that a stick is not always the best option. They said it's very hard to get through to the parents because they do not agree, but they can see the children responding to them as the teachers more and more each week. It was also great to see that all of the teachers YWAM employs are Rwandan. During this week we also worked with the HIV/AIDS ministry. We went into anther remote little area and we went to just spend time with the people. They didn't speak any English but we had a translator with us. Basically we were all a teary mess by the end. All of them are struggling to survive, most of them were women - men had slept with them gotten them pregnant and left them, while also giving them HIV. They said that no one in their community wants to touch them and that they are an embarassment so they stay in their house. Also, because of the disease they don't have the physical strength to take care of their families - to get water, find food, make the meals etc. They said every day is a struggle. The "house" we were in was also crumbling and with the next rain storm it could be completely destroyed and then the woman will be homeless. All they wanted was people to be with them so we shared testimonies, stories, played the guitar for them, we had each brought them something that we made, we prayed with them - anything they wanted. For all of our likings we left far too soon, we could have stayed all night!

Today was our day off, so as a team we all went into town to eat at a "restaurant" - had a delicious burger and milkshake (again!) and then went to look at the stores in town. Sam - the leader of our base in France came to visit us for a week and left today, so that was sad to see him go, but it means that we are beyond half way.
This week was full of a lot of laughter, lastnight I laughed the hardest I have all week. It was due to exhaustion and just laughter. We are all creating lists of things we long to eat once we get home, of things we long to do - including hot shower and a clean bed.

After Gisenyi we head to Bhutari and then after Bhutari we dont know where we are off to, but we'll see. Tonight we have to pack our big backpacks in order to walk up the hills again, but luckily this time its in the morning so it wont be too hot.

To answer the questions from home:
How blonde is my hair? - not so blonde, but getting long!
Have i lost weight? - negatory, the food is not what you think!
Do you really have to pee in a hole? - yes, not all the time, but yes!
Following that - have i gotten used to it? - no, and i don't think i will haha many funny experiences

I should go so i can give someone else a computer!

Love love love!

Teacher Lola!

Where to even begin?

It''s been a little over a week since I have been in an internet cafe and I have forgotten my journal so I don't even know where to begin. I will therefore go backwards!!

Today we were with Ingrid, the missionary from Rwanda, at La League. We played games with the children, sang songs, learned some traditional dances, it was a lot of fun but you could tell that we were all so tired from the day before...which was fantastic! So yesterday, we went to Ingrid's for a delicious lunch because she likes to feed us once a week something other than rice or hot dog buns (did i mention we eat hot dog buns for breakfast...just the bun, and sometimes for dinner too!)...delicious! We were then separated into groups, Anna-Lisa, Mikael, Jean-Claude et moi were off to the school that we had painted to make some stairs (out of mud - an experience!) and make an area for shade. The day is BOILING HOT, so hot that a Rwandan while sitting in the shade says "C'est trop chaud!" if a Rwandan says its too hot, then my friends it is too hot. We had to walk a long way from where the bus dropped us off we had to walk around half an hour, so by the time we even got to the school we wanted to drink all of our water. Anyways so we get there and there are no materials for the stairs so Anna Lisa and i start playing with the hundreds of children. We then realize a few hours had gone by and that the boys are missing, we walk to the back and they are busy working with the fellow Rwandans, we ask if they need help they say no, so we continue playing. You have to understand you have around 20 children, 10 to each hand literally hanging off of you, trying to crawl on your back, pinch your skin - the works! So this is why it was amazing, the sun has now set and we have been there for 8 hours. Anna LIsa and I are collapsed in the dirt with children everywhere around us, I have a little baby on my chest who had been crying and crying before and even with all the children screaming and jumping on us he fell asleep and with his fist he clung tight to my chest. I wanted to take him home. I think it was my favourite moment of the whole trip. But then the said part happened, when we had to leave his mum didnt even notice that he was missing, despite the fact that he had been with me all day and i didnt know where he lived so one of the town people showed me his house and i had to leave him just sitting outside crying in hopes his mum would come out and get me. If anyone knows me, leaving a crying baby is one of the hardest things.  I had to get dragged away by the team. So sad. We got back to Ingrid's had another bonfire with baked potatoes and the bread on the fire. I was so tired I fell asleep on the ground, and then had to walk 30 minutes home but all was well when I found my bed.

We have been busy with the genocide homes and visiting families - sitting and talking! They are so generous with the little they have, always offering us a coke or drink of some sort. We also went to the KIgali University and dances and sang with the dance and worship school which was amazing and when we danced they asked us to do it at a big conference they are having which is tomorrow - so us girls have to practice!

On the me front, it's a little difficult right now. Had a tumble - but don't worry, I have just looked better. My left leg and foot look awful and i just keep lathering with disinfectant. My hands also took the fall along with my right knee. Blah. Emotionally we are a little over whelmed with everything you see and experience everyday. We are all having fun, but I think a change of location will be good. After this week we dont know when we will have internet, but im sure it wont be too long. We heard from the other team who is in France and our lovely Lydie was electrocuted in the shower and rushed to the emergency room which was a huge shock to all of us. God really protected her though because she is fine, and left the next day. They said any higher voltage or length of time she would have died. So other team, we are all thinking and praying for you. We frequently dream about meals at home - but the other day we did find delicious milkshakes- mm soo good!

Au revoir until next time!